six foot seven foot eight foot oh!

Donald -

I have prepared for this moment. Listen closely, and heed my every word, for we may not have much time.

You see, the moment I stepped into this dark and glitzy place, I could feel myself in the presence of a tremendous... fundamental life force. “Swagger”, perhaps. And I knew I would feel myself drawn to this life force. Soon, we will make music your elephantine tool will remember forever.

BEHOLD, for I am a beautiful creature. BEHOLD, do my bare arms not entice you? BEHOLD, the silken paleness of my thighs. BEHOLD, my apple-round bosom. And BEHOLD, as I remove my last safeguard, the last obstacle between us and redemption.

Fuck me, Donald. Here, in the thumping squalor of this club, for now and for all time. You must hurry, Donald. Already I hear the sirens of the police car which will take us away.


***


'Ye – can I call you that?

'Ye honey, can I ask you a question?

You know I'm a mall girl at heart. Always have been, always will be. The mall is my spiritual homeland. It might sound crazy, but I've always dreamt of getting married in a mall.

Imagine: our friends, family, and admirers filling the place to capacity as we stand in the fountain on the first floor, looking only at each other. We kiss, and the fountain erupts with light and water. Doesn't that sound romantic, 'Ye? We deserve to have it all.

It's true we haven't had a lot of sexual experience with each other. But trust me, my blowjob technique is world-class. You can take my word for it, or I can give you references. And after we get married, I'll be able to prove it to you!

Look, I know how many hot bitches you own, and I know that commitment in the face of all those options is not easy. But those bitches don't love you, and I do.

RULES I LIVE BY:
Drink tap water often and alcohol straight.
Eat the wholest wheat bread you can find.
May as well try it once. Make sure you learn from it.


I'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE THIS:
If you can't explain something, you don't understand it.

I NO LONGER BELIEVE THIS:
If you can't explain something, it's not real.

Dear Diary, Sorry for the lack of updates

Is there a word for the exact opposite of "lonely"? Probably not, right?

got the moves like Jagger

The shirt I wore today will always be my favorite. Such simple faith. "OSU Votes."

run deep run wild

There's something admirably democratic about flossing. Whether you're a drug lord, a bank teller, or Barack Obama, if you don't floss, you'll get tooth decay. And if you DO floss, you'll have healthy gums and clean teeth.

like a train on a track

SLEEPY HAPPY BARCELONA LIST

graffiti
gyros
transsexuals
cathedrals
parks
perverts
dogs
the Mediterranean
basements

you know :)

please don't worry lover; it's really bursting at the seams

I've rooted against the Lakers since I moved to LA. But this year I want them to go all the way.

Kobe Bryant's 33, an age where basketball players aren't hoping to get better, they're praying not to get worse. Every year is another quarter inch off the vertical, a few milliseconds off the first step.

The Lakers got swept in the second round last year. Then they traded away one of their best players to save money. Then their first-round draft pick got injured.

So how did Kobe spend the summer? Aside from getting a divorce. He went to Germany, and got not just one but two speculative knee surgeries. Trying to fight off time. Working as hard as he's ever worked, with virtually no hope of improvement.

There's nothing to suggest the Lakers are going to be any better this year than they were last year. Maybe this time a teammate will step up. Or the other guys will miss a bunch more three-point shots. Or maybe, just maybe, Kobe will jab step, and jab again, and jump higher than he's ever jumped before, and release, and the ball will do the rest.

Can you empathize with that hope? The guy's won five championships already. You could call his need to win another one pathetic, if you like calling other people's goals pathetic. Or stupid, considering the grind of an NBA season. But what it definitely is, is brave.

This is what games give us. Something to exert ourself toward. And a story. Characters with goals and obstacles and conflict and maybe resolution. A way to feel connected.

I was running along the beach yesterday, listening to Death Cab of all things, and I had this crazy sensation of being overcome by love. For Kobe alone in a gym practicing 20-footers, for a valley girl in front of her bathroom mirror putting on foundation, for Ben Gibbard singing whiny crap to a girl who will never love him. For all the people with a stupid dream who are doing their best to get there. You take that, and add friends who push and support each other, and that's what it's all about, love and life and the whole shebang.

This post started out as an essay about why sex is better than porn. And turned into my attempt at a canonical response to anyone I'm close to who thinks of "games" as a dirty word. It can be dirty. But we're all striving for something and we're all on the same team.

overheard in Silverlake: "So two of us get three... and one of us gets two??" HAH, the eternal dilemma of 3 dudes splitting a pizza.

can I, kick it?

Drove into Westlake Village for a ritualistic ordeal *cough* Illinois Basic Skills Test. First they scanned our palms. Then they had us all line up for pictures. What a great photo album that must be: Future Teachers of Illinois, a bunch of bleary-eyed twenty-one-year-olds who didn't bother to not wear sweatpants. Then they tested our Basic Skills - pretty much your standard SAT-type stuff. I wrote a harshly moralistic diatribe on why the media shouldn't pry into the private lives of our politicians. Not too bad, taking standardized tests is always strangely relaxing.

The drive back was freaking amazing. Cruising down the canyon listening to 93.5 KDAY, ocean laid out when the mountain curved the right way. Baby if you give it to me, I'll give it to you, I know what you want.

AND, for the second consecutive night, I didn't wake up covered in my own blood. So things are definitely looking up.

make her wanna lick the rapper

Having your wisdom teeth removed is awesome! Codeine and hummus baby, codeine and hummus.

fall over two

it'll smell like me until three weeks from now when someone finally gets back and opens the window

and my voice will be hoarse until I finally get some sleep

we pretty much went to the bus stop

and the snow on the ground was a gift

and I liked it when it almost made you slip

I'LL MISS SEEING THE SKYSCRAPERS ON FIRE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycI7C2EX5js&feature=related

I like beautiful songs about worst-case scenarios.

cry me a river so I can float over to you

There was a homeless guy outside Treasure Island repeating the same sentence in every form he could think of:

"Apartment fire, lost all my possessions."

"Victim of apartment fire, all possessions lost."

"No apartment, fire burnt all my possessions."

"Lost all my possessions in an apartment fire."

"Recovering from apartment fire, lost all possessions."

Maybe he was working on his pitch. But it didn't sound like it. It sounded more like he was trying to find the story of his life. Like he had the copy written and was just searching for the headline.

so much for all your highbrow Marxist ways

Part 1: Match The Phrase To Its Definition

1. "Friend God"

2. "Is there something I can do for you?"

3. "Spend some quality time together"

4. "Forever"

5. "I like you. It's a problem."

A. The biggest oxymoron ever, although people keep telling me some form of it...

B. Apparently, code for "tentative, unceasing interview". Infinitely less worthwhile than Scrabble.

C. It might have saved everyone some pain if Neel had invented this phrase last year.

D. [the meaning of this is [to me] completely obvious]

E. Anyone who she says this to, she inevitably hooks up with before the end of the night. Even if she's sworn not to, like a Greek tragedy. I wonder if she's aware of it herself.

tat my fucking name on you so I know it's real

I think girls are evolutionarily superior.

our bathroom light turned orange for some reason. and there was water swirling around in it. then the water started dripping out

69 love songs

Something smart my mom pointed out

It's a lot easier to go to the Art Institute with two people, so you can have one person wait in the ticket line and one person wait in the coat rack line.

soul with no footprint/rose with no thorn

sign on the inside of the apartment said "YOU CAN HELP IMPROVE SECURITY BY DENYING ACCESS TO ANYONE YOU DO NOT KNOW". which is technically true.

***

there's a modest young man from Kansas who's the best torturer in the world. his method is based on psychic transference and empathic resonances. first, he sets up an empathic resonance between him and the subject. second, he puts himself in a large amount of pain, which is transferred to the subject via the empathic link. third, he increases the pain they feel until the subject breaks (he has a freakishly high pain tolerance).

this method has obvious disadvantages, which is why he only does it to Stop Terrorism.

bomb graffiti on the tomb of Nefertiti

DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BUTT

"omg, I must have human-dialed him like 3 times last night. awkwarrrrrd."

"YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE"

Prop 1: [you hurt someone] => [they can be hurt by you]

Prop 2: [they can be hurt by you] => [they love you]

Prop 3: [they love you] => [you love them]

By Props 1, 2, and 3, [you hurt someone] => [you love them]. QED.

I AM 21

Thanks to everyone who came to the party. Felt great to have everyone together.

Got some high hopes.

Oh yes I love her like Egyptian, want a description? Her body's sickening

P, M, W, P M W PMW

(and tbh, never really needed M)

Headturning, no? :)

I beat a former US chess champion! It's been a pretty awesome weekend.

fight the scary day we both pull our tricks out of our sleeves

CROSSES SOME KIND OF LINE

I mean I hate mosquitoes as much as the next guy, but this is some dystopian shit right here. There was an Arthur C. Clarke novel where aliens used roughly the same technology against us. Not being able to have kids would be the worst. Our kids not being able to have kids would be just about as bad.

TAKE YOU WHERE NOBODY KNOWS YOU AND NOBODY GIVES A DAMN

Y/n?

IDEA FOR A .GIF

A guy looks at a girl, she smiles at him, he takes a shot, he looks at her, she smiles, he takes a shot, etc.

If you made a GIF for me, I would just be listening to the above song over and over again. It would be a pretty realistic depiction.

I wish Nietzche had been around to see GIF's.

"live your life like you're going to live a randomly selected 2-5 seconds from it once more and innumerable times more"

they say we can throw far but they don't know how far we'll throw

got a call from a cabbie telling me to come down quick cause he was outside my door. hadn't asked for a cab. but maybe I should have gotten in anyway and gone wherever whoever called the cab was going. what am I saying, it was a wrong number so he was surely sitting outside some other door.

never wished so much to be in some dull-ass suburban room with my brother playing cards til it gets dark out and then light out.

we can go to my sister's if we say we'll watch the baby (autology edition)

CONTEXT

I could take my credit card number and scrawl it on every highway underpass and every train station in the world and my bank account would still be completely secure, because who besides me would know how to use it? Someone could photograph the meth lab inside my apartment and post high-res pics on Yahoo! News, so what. Katie Couric could read my social security number to the nation on primetime network television. Yeah, ten random digits, what are you gonna do about it, punk.

CONTEXT FOR THAT

Who needs the internet. Get a plane and write me big shimmery messages in the sky. I'll write back. If you want to tell me something personal, use numbers and an 18-shift caesar cipher. No one else will know what it means.

a manifesto

What's supposed to be so bad about PDA?

Sex is the coolest and most interesting thing ever! I'm always curious about other people's sex lives. It's totally fair and understandable to prefer to keep that part of yourself private. But why do we discourage the people who don't? Why would you prefer to watch people pretend to have sex (porn)* instead of getting to see people actually have sex? Sometimes I can't sleep from thinking about the billions of girls who I'll never get to see come.

Current working hypothesis is that anti-PDA people are one or more of the following: turned on and ashamed of it, jealous cause they aren't getting any, or just saying the thing of least resistance while under social pressure from people from categories 1 & 2. But maybe someone will write a better explanation in the comments.

*"pretend" because porn-sex usually isn't sex, but that's for a different manifesto

dance to the songs from the cars as they pass

at Kimbark Laundromat, while I was waiting for my clothes to dry, the man across from me pulled out his phone and called his girlfriend, Crystal. He KNEW about it, and

Us? Hold on, US? We're OVER. There IS no more us.

Don't give me that. You saying some shit about the KIDS, and Crystal, you out getting some guy's NUMBER?

Yeah but look Crystal, this is about RESPECT.

Don't give me that Crystal.

WAS you tryna holla. Was, you try,na holla.

Crystal, come on, you can't just

etc. I could see that:
-Crystal hadn't just gotten some guy's number, she was cheating on him, both with that guy and probably with other guys.
-and the guy knew it but didn't want to admit it to himself, and so was reduced to dropping charges to the ridiculous "got some guy's number" (not even the sliiiightly less defensible "gave out her own number to some guy"), only she didn't point out the ridiculousness because she knew that at some level he knew.

what a fucked up situation. sucks for the kids, sucks for Crystal, who doesn't love the father of her children, sucks for this guy, who
-it seemed clear he was gonna eventually cave and move back in. not for the kids, but because he loves Crystal with everything he's got. until weeks or months or years from now she'll do something they can't ignore.

meanwhile on the TV they were playing an ad for a new ultra-soft catheter, disposable so you can use a clean one everytime you cath! (I guess on TV you say "cath" instead of "piss".) and on the other TV they were showing Hardball with Chris Matthews.

I hope the kids grow up with a father and I hope Crystal ends up sexually satisfied and I specifically hope she receives sexual satisfaction from this guy. But mostly I hope humans keep on living forever and ever.

***

DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A REQUIEM
[song]
[lyrics]